Honesty and dishonesty are learned in the home. Parents are often concerned when their child or adolescent lies. Young children often make up stories and tell tall tales. This is normal activity because they enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun. These young children may blur the distinction between reality and fantasy. This is probably more a result of an active imagination than an attempt to deliberately lie about something. An older child or adolescent may tell a lie to be self-serving, such as denying responsibility or to try and get out of a chore or task. Parents should respond to isolated instances of lying by talking with the youngster about the importance of truthfulness, honesty and trust.

Some adolescents discover that lying may be considered acceptable in certain situations such as not telling a boyfriend or girlfriend the real reasons for breaking up because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. Other adolescents may lie to protect their privacy or to help them feel psychologically separate and independent from their parents. Parents are the most important role models for their children. When a child or adolescent lies, parents should take some time to have a serious talk and discuss the difference between make believe and reality, and lying and telling the truth. They should open an honest line of communication to find out exactly why the child chose to tell a lie, and to discuss alternatives to lying. A parent should lead by example and never lie, and when they are caught in a lie, express remorse and regret for making a conscious decision to tell a lie. Clear, understandable consequences for lying should be discussed with the child early on. However, some forms of lying are cause for concern, and might indicate an underlying emotional problem. Some children, who know the difference between truthfulness and lying, tell elaborate stories which appear believable. Children or adolescents usually relate these stories with enthusiasm because they receive a lot of attention as they tell the lie.

Other children or adolescents, who otherwise seem responsible, fall into a pattern of repetitive lying. They often feel that lying is the easiest way to deal with the demands of parents, teachers and friends. These children are usually not trying to be bad or malicious but the repetitive pattern of lying becomes a bad habit. A serious repetitive pattern of lying should be cause for concern. Consult a professional adolescent or child psychologist to find out whether help is needed.

We watch our children grow right before our very eyes. It seems like yesterday they were a baby learning to crawl, walk, and feed themselves, and now they’re in school, involved in activities, making friends, and learning to be more and more independent. Parents before us have said that from the time they’re born, we are constantly learning to let go. As a result, our parenting strategies have to change. As our child grows, develops, learns, and matures, so does our parenting role.

As your child has grown, you undoubtedly have discovered they have their own unique personality and temperament. You’ve probably unconsciously redeveloped your parenting skills around the individual needs of your child. And no two children are exactly alike, and therefore, neither should your parenting style. Some children may need more guidance and feel more unsure of themselves, so we’ve become used to having to guide, lead, show and encourage that child consistently through their childhood while still trying to encourage independence and give praise in order to build their self esteem and confidence level. Yet another child may be very intrinsically motivated and very willful and not need a great deal of guidance or leadership from you. While you encourage their independence, it’s also important that you also encourage their ability to ask for help when needed and continue to praise good deeds, actions, and traits.

The most important tools we have in order to successfully adjust our parenting skills are our eyes and our ears. We have to see what’s going on with our child and we have to hear what they are telling us. It’s important that we encourage our child to be their own individual while still being available to them at whatever level or degree they need us to be. Sometimes it’s situation-specific as well. A child may not need us to be as directly involved with their schooling to ensure their overall academic success, but they may need us to be more involved in their social life as they may be feeling a bit shaky or scared when it comes to making new friends or meeting new people.

So the bottom line is this: as your child grows and changes, so should your parenting skills. Keep your eyes and ears open and communicate honestly and openly with your child, and you’ll both mature gracefully.

Communicating with our children can be a difficult task at times. We feel like they’re not listening to us; they feel like we’re not listening to them. Good listening and communications skills are essential to successful parenting. Your child’s feelings, views and opinions have worth, and you should make sure you take the time to sit down and listen openly and discuss them honestly.

It seems to be a natural tendency to react rather than to respond. We pass judgment based on our own feelings and experiences. However, responding means being receptive to our child’s feelings and emotions and allowing them to express themselves openly and honestly without fear of repercussion from us. By reacting, we send our child the message that their feelings and opinions are invalid. But by responding and asking questions about why the child feels that way, it opens a dialog that allows them to discuss their feelings further, and allows you a better understanding of where they’re coming from. Responding also gives you an opportunity to work out a solution or a plan of action with your child that perhaps they would not have come up with on their own. Your child will also appreciate the fact that maybe you do indeed understand how they feel.

It’s crucial in these situations to give your child your full and undivided attention. Put down your newspaper, stop doing dishes, or turn off the television so you can hear the full situation and make eye contact with your child. Keep calm, be inquisitive, and afterwards offer potential solutions to the problem.

Don’t discourage your child from feeling upset, angry, or frustrated. Our initial instinct may be to say or do something to steer our child away from it, but this can be a detrimental tactic. Again, listen to your child, ask questions to find out why they are feeling that way, and then offer potential solutions to alleviate the bad feeling.

Just as we do, our children have feelings and experience difficult situations. By actively listening and participating with our child as they talk about it, it demonstrates to them that we do care, we want to help and we have similar experiences of our own that they can draw from. Remember, respond – don’t react

What comes to your mind when I utter the word “Creativity”?

 

Let us check what happens with discipline.

 

The two seem like irreconcilable opposites.

Scene 1

Now I imagined a world with creativity but no discipline – how life would be.

I would have a lot of freedom. Lots of fun. Do what I like, when I like. No one can order me around. It feels great when I enjoy  all these.

But then every one around me too will enjoy these same benefits of creativity without discipline.

How will that affect me? Will I like that?

I go to a restaurant. There is no one to take my order.  So I go to the kitchen. The chef is busy practising on his guitar. His assistant is in deep meditation. The two waiters are playing chess.

I ask the chef about the menu and he says, “I have not made up my mind. I want to do something different.”

“When will I get something to eat?”

“It all depends…. on when I decide. After that, we will buy the necessary things..”

“Will it take a couple of hours?”

“Maybe more..”

“Should I go somewhere else..?”

“It is your choice, sir.”

“Thank you.”

“Have a nice day. Hope you get something to eat fast.”

 

Scene 2

Let’s stick with the food analogy and consider a world with only discipline and no creativity.

I come home. My mother is waiting for me. I tell her I am hungry. She is ready to serve me lunch. I sit at the dining table. There is dal, rice, some bhindi and some roti.

“Mom, again the same thing?”

“Bhindi is good for you.”

“I don’t want bhindi every day.”

“This week is bhindi week.”

“What about the dal?”

“I have made it for the whole week. I save a lot of time this way. For the next week, I will make what you want.”

“It will be the same for the whole week?”

“Yes. That is the most efficient way.”

“But it is the most boring thing to do.”

Luckily, life is a happy mix of both. There is space for creativity and there is space for discipline.

Consider, as an example, the film production business. The time to be creative is when we are thinking of a movie plot. It is has to be fresh, different, surprising and appealing. Tried and tested won’t do. Once the plot, screen play and dialogues are finalised, we need the discipline to follow the shooting schedule, minimise retakes, control costs and finish production on time and on budget. If we don’t do this, we will go broke.

Interestingly, if we are disciplined but are not creative in the initial stage, then too we will go broke.

In my view there is no room for debate on creativity vs discipline. Especially while bringing up kids. I would err on the side of more creativity and less discipline. I would like my child to be able to imagine possibilities. Have an open mind to explore many options. Have the freedom to use her gut feel. When it comes to doing things I would like my child to be smart (combining creativity and discipline) and be able to think of doing the right thing at the right time. It requires imagination to think of different options, it requires rigour to choose a smart solution, and it requires discipline to execute the solution well.

It is some what like a diagnosis and treatment. One might do all the various tests and logically arrive at what is the problem then prescribe medicines. However, experienced doctors might creatively connect the dots and quickly diagnose the situation and start treatment. It saves a lot of time and agony. And, it requires discipline on the part of the patient to follow the prescribed course of treatment.

Verdict: Creativity and discipline, not creativity versus discipline. You can’t do without either.

Re-published with permission from the blog of ParentEdge, a bi-monthly parenting magazine that aims to expose parents to global trends in learning and partner with them in the intellectual enrichment of their children.

Going to kindergarten in this new age is a lot different than it was when we were children.  Modern children are more aware of the adult world, more sophisticated and certainly more aware of technology and the internet than was imaginable even a few years ago when that youngster was a newborn.  So we have to take that into consideration when we begin to prepare a child for kindergarten because there is really no level of schooling that is untouched by computers and technology.

The first step for finding out how much your child needs to know about computers and the internet day one in kindergarten is to visit the school and talk to the teacher.  It really isn’t a matter of kids being forced to learn about cyberspace.  Schools are simply using the internet for teaching because kids are showing up already knowing all about it.  As you look around any modern kindergarten class, you will see dozens of computer kiosks so the kids can connect to the internet and use the internet for anything from research to communications to learning games to exploring the galaxies.

So much is made about the dangers of the internet and those are certainly real.The next step is to find out just how much your little angel already knows about computers and the internet.  If you have a computer and you allow your child to wander around the internet already, she may know more than you imagined or wished she knew.  But by having a conversation with your child or by sitting online and exploring some basic web sites together, you can gauge her level of skill and knowledge.  It will be an unusual meeting between parent and child because its very possible that at times you will be teaching her things and other times she will be the teacher and you the student learning the most modern things that young people, even very young people like your child, already know about the online world. But there are tremendous resources that the kindergarten teacher will take advantage of to take that new class to wonderful new places using safe and carefully prepared web sites that can enhance the child’s education.

 Be sure when you begin to expose your youngster to the internet that you have also made sure the internet is a safe place for her to be.  You can create specific account on your computer just for your child that is heavily restricted. You can get some excellent tools that are often called “net nannies” which will keep your sweet innocent child from accidentally going to sites they should not see.  You can even set up a set list of web sites you will allow them to be on and restrict their browser so only those sites are authorized.

 Helping your child build internet search skills will jump start her into the modern world of school wonderfully.  But there are other computer skills that being online will help her develop to make her more efficient even in this very basic level of schooling at kindergarten.  If you can open the world of email, instant messaging and chat to your child on kid safe web sites where she will be talking to other children only, your five year old will actually develop fairly well developed typing skills being motivated by the fun of online conversation with other kids.

There are other computer tools that will of tremendous value to your child that she can begin to get exposure to in the months leading up to kindergarten.  The Microsoft office suite which is so useful to adults will be an important tool set for any student even in elementary school.  Learning to use the powerful resources of Microsoft Word, Excel and PowerPoint will give your child ways to accomplish their school assignments that are fun because they are on the computer and so much more efficient than the old pencil and notebook method.

By thinking like a twenty first century parent, you can start even at the kindergarten level to see your child’s school experience as one that will be heavily influenced by computer skills and the internet.  And by equipping your child to be ready to use those tools from day one at kindergarten, she is jumping into school way ahead in terms of being equipped to be a big success in her academic career.

Remember the time you asked your mother for permission to spend the night at a friend’s house and she exclaimed “No, of course not! You can play during the day, what is the need to spend the night there?”

Times have changed since then and today, parents are more accepting of sleepovers.

What about playdates? When we were young we simply played with the neighbourhood kids in the evenings after school, coming back home sweaty and tired, ready for dinner and sleep. But today, our children have ‘playdates’, where parents schedule the play activity on a particular day and invite other children to it. In fact, playdates are fast becoming yet another avenue to showcase the creativity (and wealth!) of the parents, involving as they do organised entertainment, catering and even return gifts!

But if you are one of those parents who believe in keeping it simple, with the primary objective of a playdate being to get children to have a good time in a safe way, then read on…

Play and the socialisation process

Playdates are very important to the social development of today’s child. Urban children brought up in nuclear families lack many elements of the socialization process that characterized earlier generations who lived in joint families. Busy parents, aloof neighbours, lack of space (no more gully cricket!) and time (dance class and abacus class and handwriting class and phonics class…..) …these have taken away an important element of childhood – romping around with friends and free play. Playdates give the child an opportunity to interact with her friends outside the formal environment of school, to learn sharing, collaboration and teamwork skills in a socially acceptable manner, and simply, to enjoy her free time with her friends.

Sleepovers take this a step further, fostering a feeling of independence in children and allowing them to feel ‘grown-up’. Plus, they are a lot of fun!

Playdates can be organised for children of pretty much any age, even those as young as one. Of course, be prepared to accompany your child on her playdates for the first few years (until she is around five), after which time she can be dropped off alone at her friend’s place, with a parent to supervise. An added bonus of playdates – parents can also have fun, making new friends with other parents, and getting a chance to indulge in some adult conversation beyond the usual baby talk!

Sleepovers, on the other hand, are difficult to organise for very young children. Your child must be toilet-trained and used to sleeping alone before she is ready for a sleepover. Most importantly, she should have no strong anxieties – about the dark, night time noises, etc. – that will prompt her to wail for you in the middle of the night! Children aged 10 and above can generally be expected to make the most of sleepovers.

Playdate ‘fun’dae

What to do: So it’s your turn to organise the playdate. First, decide whether it’s going to be an indoor or outdoor one. If you plan on an outdoor one, be sure to enlist the help of other parents, and maybe maids, so you can monitor the children and the different activities. Also decide the timing and duration of the playdate upfront so parents know at what time they need to pick up their children. The duration of the playdate depends on the age of the children – for toddlers, anything more than an hour could be tiring, whereas for older kids even three hours will not satiate them!

What to feed them: With younger children, it’s better to serve some dry snacks which will not make too much of a mess. Older children can stay over for dinner, especially if it’s a Friday or Saturday. Do ensure that you check with parents about allergies and any strong dislikes/food preferences. Keep the food simple and easy to eat. It is better to serve all the children on similar looking or neutral tableware – you don’t want the children all clamouring for your child’s Cinderella mug or Winnie the Pooh plate!

Safety precautions and rules: Attention to safety is a very important aspect of organising playdates. Firstly, no matter what the age of the children is, it is essential to have adult supervision in the vicinity. This is not just to mediate between children in the event of disputes, but more importantly to ensure the safety of children. You can also set rules upfront for the session that all children need to follow – clearing up after each game and before beginning the next activity, no rough games inside the house, no shoes inside the house, no jumping on the furniture, no playing with scissors, etc. Children should be made to understand that these rules are for their own safety and any child not following these rules will not be allowed to continue playing with the others. Do ensure that you have the contact numbers of all the parents in case of an emergency.

Sleepover ‘fun’dae

Sleepovers are more complicated to organise than playdates – you are actually committing to taking responsibility for some highly excitable children whom you cannot admonish or punish! And that too at night – the time when most things seems to go wrong! This is why sleepovers are usually organised only for older children who are independent and have some amount of maturity and understanding – typically 10 years and above.

Whom to invite: This is a no-brainer – it is your child who will decide whom she wants to invite. Your role will be limited to controlling the number of people invited so as to keep the sleepover manageable. Decide before-hand whether you want to invite only one other child or whether you are brave enough to handle a whole menagerie of kids!

What to feed them: Generally, starting the sleepover after dinner time makes better sense since it cuts down on the effort involved in serving dinner and catering to differing needs and preferences. But don’t think that this means you don’t have to arrange for food – far from it! An essential part of sleepovers is the fun food (read junk food) that the kids will look forward to. Staying up most of the night will make them ravenously hungry, especially post-midnight when you, the parent, are just settling into bed. So arrange for all the fuel (popcorn, chips, chocolates, etc.) before-hand. And you will also need to plan for breakfast – keep this simple, but be ready with both Western (bread and cereal) and Indian (idly/dosa) options for varying palates.

What to do: Generally children of this age can be trusted to organise their own entertainment. But here are a few suggestions for fun things to do at a sleepover:

• Board games

• Lateral thinking games

• Singing songs and Karaoke

• Telling scary stories after midnight with lights out

• Playing Hide and Seek in the dark

• Video games

• Makeovers and playing at dressing up

• Watching good, wholesome movies – TV is a bad idea since you will not be able to control what they are watching; it is advisable for you to rent an appropriate movie to watch

Ideas for outdoor playdates

• Paddle pool / swimming pool

• Gardening

• Beach

• At a hobby centre – art and craft

• Play areas in malls / game arcades for older kids

• Parks (do keep in mind that if you go to a park with swings and slides, the children may prefer to play independently on these equipment than with one another)

• In open spaces, where you can organise team sports or games like cricket, football, etc.

Ideas for indoor playdates

If your playdate is at home, your list of probable activities can be much longer – have the children play a variety of games, tell stories, read books, sing songs, catch bubbles, draw and colour… you can also play popular indoor games like Blind Man’s Bluff (after moving the furniture to the side), Hide and Seek, Dumb Charades, Antakshari, etc. Allow some time for unstructured play as well, to encourage children to play independently and decide for themselves what they want to do– this will give free rein to their imagination. Even playing with Barbie dolls, kitchen sets and cars can be beneficial, allowing them to indulge in story-telling and role play.

Re-published with permission from the blog of ParentEdge, a bi-monthly parenting magazine that aims to expose parents to global trends in learning and partner with them in the intellectual enrichment of their children.